dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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