Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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