Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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