I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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