and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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