She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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