Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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