No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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