Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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