it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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