I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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