Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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