Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
