Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
