I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
