I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
