i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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