I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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