I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize