It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
