and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
