my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
