nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
