Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize