Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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