Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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