you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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