I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
