i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
