how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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