I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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