i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
