if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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