his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
