I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
