when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize