I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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