I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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