Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
