Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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