Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
