3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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