If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
