I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize