I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's blow job season.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
