walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
