We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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