I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
