I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
