I'm gonna have a badass scar
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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