i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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