nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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