I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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