dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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