At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Come on in and take your pants off
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
