I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize