the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
