I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
