my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
