I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize