I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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