It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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