I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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