If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
that is very illegal...i love you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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