Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
