He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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