when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
