I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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