During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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