I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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